Last night it was rainy and dreary while I made my way home. I thought of what I would make for dinner and what the girls and I could do on an evening of being forced inside because of the rain. I picked Emma up first, as I always do, and the first words out of her mouth were, as they always are, “Mama, can I ride my bike when I get home?”

“Well, it is raining right now, but if it stops raining then you can.”

She seemed content with that and we chatted for the rest of the ride to get her sisters. This time of day is usually our only time together, just the two of us, and I am convinced she tries to fit in as many questions as she possibly can in this expanse of time.

As we pulled in front of the house the raindrops turned to drizzle and before we were checking the mail, it ceased altogether. Before even stepping foot in the house, Emma took her cue from Mother Nature and made her way by skipping to the backyard to retrieve her bike. Before long, her sisters followed suit and began riding with her. I told the girls I was going to get supper going and I would be out very shortly to check on them. I reminded them again the boundaries of their bike riding;

“Don’t forget ladies, not farther than the rock wall at Andrews place or the stop sign up here, ok”

“Yes mam” they chimed in unison.

Not ten minutes later, after putting ground beef on the stove to brown for spaghetti with meat sauce, I stepped foot on the porch to check on the natives. Riding their bikes without a care in the world, I lingered for a moment to enjoy their giggles. I soon called them in for dinner and they convinced me it was a night for eating on the porch. After we enjoyed spaghetti, salad and fresh bread on the porch, I excused myself to do the dishes while the girls again flew for their bikes.

The dishes didn’t take long so I grabbed the basket of towels that I had just taken from the dryer and walked out on the porch to fold while watching the girls. I was disappointed to find that Olivia had ridden past the stop sign and was on her way back when I came outside. I made her put her bike up and go in the house to get ready for pajamas and to work on her project due this Friday. I told Cori and Emma they had about 20 minutes left; that we needed to head inside about 7:15 to get prepared for today. Not 45 seconds later Cori cruised right past the rock wall at Andrews place. I too sent her inside to get ready for pajamas.

Then shaking my head in disbelief at just what my children do and do not retain in their little minds, I looked up to see Emma riding her bike down the sidewalk, being sure to turn around carefully before meeting the stopsign. For the next few minutes I just watched her ride her bike and answer the questions that started flying when she realized we were alone. After explaining to her why it rained, how they built bridges and why cars have 4 wheels and not six, I reminded her that she had only about 5 minutes left before it was time to put the bike away and head inside.

I sat there and enjoyed the pre-summer coolness of a evening after rain and just watched her ride up and down, up and down the sidewalk. I looked down at my watch to see it was 7:14, so I let her know. As we tried to stave off the last minute of our time together, I looked at my little lone survivor of obedience and marveled at her for a moment. I told her it was time to go inside and without missing a beat she walked her bike to the backyard. I waited for her at the side of the house and we walked up the sidewalk hand in hand into the house. As I watched her run up the steps to get pajamas ready and I could not help but think what a brave little girl she is and how she has done such a 180.

This little girl that was diagnosed not even a year ago of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder and Anxiety. I remembered how she would worry about the simplest of things like an adult until it literally made her sick to her stomach. I thought about all the times she was punished at daycare for not sitting still, when she simply could not. I thought about how school administrators told me she needed to be on medication; about the doctors that agreed. I thought about the first time I heard the words ‘chemical imbalance’.  I thought about the time that I caved in and agreed to the smallest therapeutic dose and how my little baby took that little pill and then proceeded to stare into space sitting on the floor in front of her dollhouse instead of playing with it and how that made my heart shatter into a trillion pieces and fall to the floor in the form of hot tears. I then remembered the beautiful young therapist that took my hand in hers in her small office one cold winter day and looked me in my eyes and said to me “We can help your child without medication, but you must be committed and you must be willing to lose all sense of your own emotions. When you get frustrated and want to yell, you must not. I will teach you and we will teach Emma.” I believed her. I committed. And I learned. And tonight when my little girl stopped at the door and looked up at me with those beautiful almond shaped eyes and said “I was the good girl huh, mama?”, I looked right back down at her and said, “You were the best girl, noodle, the best girl.”

I believe ADHD is real. I have to. I have seen my daughter struggle too much to believe that it doesn’t have a name. I believe she gets anxious. I believe that maybe even my baby does have a chemical imbalance.

I don’t know if there is a way to love the ADHD and anxiety right outta her, but I do know I don’t wanna stop trying til I’ve figured it out.